My youngest son was invited to a party in our local woods. Ten to fifteen kids would be there with their parents. I knew some of the parents from other parties and the school run. Others I would be meeting for the first time. I love running and being outside. I’ve been to the woods countless times with my family.

But what will I say to these parents when I meet them? How will I introduce myself? What will they think of me? What if I say the wrong thing? What if I can’t remember their names? What if they don’t find me interesting? What if they don’t like me? I shouldn’t go. I can’t possibly go. But hang on, what will they think of me if I don’t go? Ok, I must go. But what will I say to them? How will I introduce myself? … and so on.

These questions started whirling around my head. One by one at first but soon in a non-stop, ferocious, terrifying loop where I didn’t have time to answer.

I lay on my bed. I stared into space. Feet and legs shaking. I started crying. Ashamed. Embarrassed. Scared. I didn’t move for two hours.

I needed help. Fortunately with the support of my family I got it. It’s been a journey - one which I’m still on. I don’t have all the answers and I might not have the right names for my experiences and conditions. But they’re my names, and I hope in sharing this that someone out there who is going through a tough time can start to believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel and share what they’re going through with someone too.

Mental health is a peculiar thing. I don’t really know how to define it. It mostly gets spoken about when someone is struggling with some aspect of their life. And when that happens, in my experience at least, it can be extremely hard to put into words what’s happening and why.

You might feel sad for a few days for no apparent reason. You might start avoiding situations that you’ve previously never had an issue with. You might start questioning your worth as a partner, parent, colleague, sibling or friend.

To some degree I have felt all of these things. When you’re in the midst of it, it’s crap. There’s no disguising it. The racing thoughts / analysis paralysis I described at the beginning of this post started to become a regular occurrence when tackling many familiar, every day situations in my social and professional lives. I began to question whether things could ever be different, and started to believe that I’d forgotten how to be happy.

I first decided to get some help with my mental health in March 2020. I wanted answers to what was going on. Names for my condition. Cures.

I now know that it’s not quite that simple. Even if it was, I’m not convinced that beating anxiety, depression, or whatever you want to call it should be the goal. There may always be situations I find difficult or upsetting. But that’s ok.

Acceptance is one of the key recurring themes I’ve experienced on my journey. Compassion is another. It’s ok that I find social occasions with new people difficult. It’s ok if I need to take a nap or go for a run in the middle of a tough day. It’s ok to do whatever is best for me. There’s no shame in that. I am learning to be kind to myself and speak to myself in a compassionate voice.

Check out part 2 here.